Spiders & Toilets

I have an insane fear of spiders.  And by insane, I mean that I turn into a frozen, sweaty, shaking, wide-eyed, chicken shit mess whenever I see one.  Even baby spiders...staring at me with their innocent little 'I haven't even sunk my vampire teeth into a fly yet' spidery eyes; they turn me into a semi-stroke state.

I will never forget going into our bathroom (I think I was about 12) at my childhood home and sitting on the toilet to do my business.  I feel a light little feathery sensation on my right butt cheek and automatically reach back to brush the whatever-the-hell-it-is away.  IT WAS A FREAKING SPIDER...ON MY ASS!!!!  MY ASS PEOPLE!!!!!!  It dropped into the toilet and started the spastic drowning spider performance and I just stood there screaming, crying, and choking on my own snot.  For the next 20+ years, I NEVER sat on a toilet seat again.  I squatted...even at home.  I figured the little bastards couldn't pole vault onto my ass...and I kept it a good distance from the seat (just in case).

Squatting creates some difficulty.  Not only does your urine stream hitting the water sound like Niagra Falls, you get a little splash at plop down.   I could get graphic, but I'm sure you can figure out the obvious.  The positive side is you have thighs/butt of steel without the help of Suzanne Somers OR Chuck Norris.  Maybe I could market this as the newest fitness regime!  I can see the marketing slogan on the infomercial now:  "Save Your Ass From Spider Bites AND Cellulite!"

To be continued...