Spiders & Toilets

I have an insane fear of spiders.  And by insane, I mean that I turn into a frozen, sweaty, shaking, wide-eyed, chicken shit mess whenever I see one.  Even baby spiders...staring at me with their innocent little 'I haven't even sunk my vampire teeth into a fly yet' spidery eyes; they turn me into a semi-stroke state.

I will never forget going into our bathroom (I think I was about 12) at my childhood home and sitting on the toilet to do my business.  I feel a light little feathery sensation on my right butt cheek and automatically reach back to brush the whatever-the-hell-it-is away.  IT WAS A FREAKING SPIDER...ON MY ASS!!!!  MY ASS PEOPLE!!!!!!  It dropped into the toilet and started the spastic drowning spider performance and I just stood there screaming, crying, and choking on my own snot.  For the next 20+ years, I NEVER sat on a toilet seat again.  I squatted...even at home.  I figured the little bastards couldn't pole vault onto my ass...and I kept it a good distance from the seat (just in case).

Squatting creates some difficulty.  Not only does your urine stream hitting the water sound like Niagra Falls, you get a little splash at plop down.   I could get graphic, but I'm sure you can figure out the obvious.  The positive side is you have thighs/butt of steel without the help of Suzanne Somers OR Chuck Norris.  Maybe I could market this as the newest fitness regime!  I can see the marketing slogan on the infomercial now:  "Save Your Ass From Spider Bites AND Cellulite!"

To be continued...

My Very First Blog Ever

One of my Facebook friends posted this on my wall: "You should be a writer. I want to read a book with your thoughts in it. I know I will be laughing to no end."

"BLOG MEGAN..." my mind screamed at me, "YOU MUST BLOG (the capital letters are my mind screaming...I'm not angry...the letters would be bold if I was angry, ok? Besides, I'm screaming at myself - don't be so sensitive)."

Erin, I dedicate my first blog that no one will ever read to you!

I woke up at 6 am this morning.  I have to be to work by 7 am.  I keep waiting for the day I become a morning person.  I stumbled into my bathroom thinking of all the things I could skip to make up time and not be late for work.  Do I really have to brush my teeth?  No one smells my breath but me - it's one of the joys of being single.  I showered yesterday...I can totally skip it today (sniffing armpit...freshness permeates my nasal passages...awesome!).  The bedhead look is in, right; or am I a decade off...ah hell, I'll bring it back!  My clothes are clean and even hanging in the closet which means NO WRINKLES!  Score!

Peanut butter cookie for breakfast - check.

Pets wrangled - check.

Child looking (and acting) relatively civilized for the day - check.

Out the door...on time...hit my head on my car door (DAMMIT).

I'm at work.  Let the excitement unfold.  I am office warrior.  Hear me roar.

This blog can only get better, I swear.  Really.  Ease up on me, I'm new at this and truth be told; I am not that interesting.